meant to be?

You saw me first. I remember this: I walked in laughing, looking behind me at my friend who said something funny. When I turned back around, there you were. Your drink suspended halfway to your mouth as you stared at me. I didn’t expect to see you that day. If I did, I would’ve had the good sense to be less tipsy than I was. My brain went black as I held your eye contact. My body had made its way to you and my mouth was saying words. My brain was behind us, sinking to the floor on its knees, hyperventilating. It gasped for air as my mouth carried on. I don’t remember any of the words that either of us said. At this point, it doesn’t really matter, does it? 

It’s funny, really. People always wonder about the “one who got away.” Maybe I used to consider you to be that person for me. I don’t anymore. I think people say that because there’s a sense of wonder and a lack of finality. The feeling of being unfinished. That their chapter in your life isn’t quite over. Maybe I should have left something about us to the imagination. That doesn’t seem to be in my DNA. Maybe I’ll learn how to let go in my next life. I made sure you were safely tucked away in a box marked “Finished.” I beat us to the pulp trying to figure out if we were meant to be. I wish I would’ve realized earlier that if you have to try that hard at the chance of love, it’s probably not meant to be. Sometimes I think, sure, things could’ve been different if you didn’t become so cynical after your parent’s divorce. But things aren’t different and that’s okay.

I don’t miss you. I really don’t. But I’ll admit, I think about you on your birthday. Maybe I always will. Every year, I wonder if you’re pleased with your life yet. I wonder if you ever will be. I remember everyone’s birthdays. Friends from high school that I haven’t spoken to in years. Ex-lovers. Maybe I haven’t tried very hard at forgetting. I don’t wish any of them a happy birthday but I do think about them. It’s odd thinking about someone that doesn’t occupy any space in my brain any other day of the year. In my head, that day is their day. That day is your day. I do hope it was good for you.