drowning

my therapist asked me how I was doing and I told her that it was hard to describe. she asked me to try, so I said:

you know when you’re treading water and you’re starting to get tired so you let your head dip back to try to take some of the relief off your arms and legs doing all of the work and then once in awhile you stop treading and let your whole head go under.

then after a while, you look around and it’s just ocean. blue and more blue for as long as you can see and it’s kind of beautiful until you remember that there’s no shore to swim to, no buoy to hold onto, no guard to save you, and no lighthouse to guide you home.

it’s just you treading water, alone, and eventually, you go farther and farther underwater until your lungs start to fill up. but instead of panic, it starts to feel like that first time you let your head dip back.

less like drowning and more like relief.